Okay, this is a real off-beat post, but stay a while, and let me tell you how I put mayonnaise into my computer to make it run cooler.

Interested? Well then let’s go.

It started about two weeks ago. I got this computer, right? I had a plan, a simple, cost-effective plan. Anyone who watches ReviewTechUSA’s videos might have seen this one. For those of you who are skittish around links, let me break it down. This guy, Rich, build a gaming PC for only $250 USD. That’s around $340 CAD. How? Simple, get a base computer with a good processor from eBay or Amazon, and then buy upgrade parts. RAM, a power supply, and a nice graphics card. Sweet! Sounds pretty easy. So, I get it all together. I spend $250 on a base, quad core i5, then $150 on a graphics card. $50 on a PSU. Skip the RAM, the computer has 8gb of Kingston installed in it anyway. That’s pretty good, $450 before shipping.

So I wait.

The PC and the graphics card ships in first. The computer runs fine, so I test my luck and install the GTX 1050 card in it without the upgraded power supply. Damn, it gets stuck at the bios splash. Why? Well, maybe there isn’t enough power or something. So I wait, four days, and finally the PSU comes in. I install it, put in the graphics card and…

Nothing. Same issue.

What? What’s going on? This was supposed to be easy, just plug and play. My friend Nich (pronounced Nick, I just spell it this way) mess around with the bios, we even try to upgrade it. Get to the point where he’s running programs and issuing commands into the command prompt. Damn. This program called AFUWIN.exe, and nothing works

Nothing works. Maybe it’s Windows 7? It’s a new computer, so I upgrade to Windows 10. Yeah, same issue. Try to update the bios to UEFI, nope. I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do.

So a week goes by and I get this piece. An ASUS motherboard, $120. This is getting pretty expensive, $570 now, and the monitor cost $120, so $690? Damn.

It came in yesterday. Today, I decided to put the sucker in. Guess what? It’s too big for my stock computer case! Awesome! Now what? Oh, yeah, turns out I forgot to buy thermal paste too, so now I can’t use this until that ships.

Before I continue, let me explain what thermal paste is for those who don’t know. It’s this goop that sits between the processor and its fan and helps keep the thing cool, so it doesn’t fry.

Anyway, I’m not out of the game yet. Nich helps me again, he says he’s moved chips without disconnecting the fan, perfect transfer with the paste intact! Sweet! We check out the CPU, and nope, it doesn’t have the right connector. The plan is a bust.

I’ve come too far at this point. I search DuckDuckGo (the search engine that doesn’t track you) for thermal paste alternatives. It looks like Dielectric Silicone is almost as good! But, wait, I don’t have that. What else? Toothpaste works in a pinch! What? Really? I dive into this, it seems at least two people have used toothpaste for at least a week with no issues. That’s crazy. Everywhere I looked it seemed that people kept talking about… mayonnaise. Yeah. Mayo.

So I delved deep into the jar, and found this study. Looks like mayonnaise runs BETTER than many normal thermal pastes for 48 hours, and then runs a little worse later. That’s crazy. So, I did it. I put the most delicious heat sink into my computer. Here’s a pic.

Sorry it’s so grainy, but that is mayonnaise.

Now, the more attentive people may be wondering what I did about the case being too small. Well, let me assure you, it’s not much better.

I tore the back off, and put the power supply on top. Yeah.

So, that was my day. The good news is that it runs GREAT! The Mayonnaise Machine runs League of Legends at max settings, 140fps, and the mayonnaise keeps the CPU cool through it all.

Oh yeah, and I did order real thermal paste, don’t worry.

So my rig looks like a mess, the motherboard is held on with only two screws and a couple wires, but damn is it powerful. I know this is a huge deviation from what I normally put up, and no, this isn’t a fiction. I hope you enjoyed it all as much as I’ll enjoy using the Mayonnaise Machine.

This entire post was written on the Mayonnaise Machine. Shout out to Nich for all your help!

Daniel Triumph.

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